Stuck in the Middle Wikia
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Pilot
(The episode opens with Harley in the kitchen using a device to track her mom, Suzy.)
Harley: Big day, mom!
Suzy: Harley! How'd you find me?
Harley: Mom tracker, same way I found you yesterday behind the dryer.
Suzy: Your inventions are killing me, kid. Oh, come on, who left the jelly open? It's in my hair.
Harley: (breaking the fourth wall) Yep, that's my mom. Squatting on a can of corn in the closet. When you have 7 kids and want some peace, this is what happens.
Suzy: I need 2 more minutes to slug down my coffee. Close the door before the other kids see and start bugging me.
Harley: Love it, respect it, can't do it. The whole family has to be at the park by 11 for something great. Where's your travel mug?
Suzy: Not sure, you got a mug tracker?
Harley: Better. (breaking the fourth wall) I'm the middle kid, so it's hand me down city. I've gotten good at working with what I've got. I'm not bragging- being creative isn't a choice. It's survival. (to Suzy) Enjoy your new, 'Travel Thumb!'
Suzy: Hazelnut and Dish Soap. Weirdly, it works.
Harley: Good, 'cause we gots to get this party started. DONUTS!
(The rest of the Diaz family hears Harley. Rachel, Ethan, Georgie, Lewie, Beast, Daphne, and even their dad Tom hear it.)
Tom: Donuts!
(They all walk downstairs. Harley feels shaking and rumbling.)
Harley: (breaking the fourth wall) That's either an earthquake or my family.
(The Diaz family walks up to Harley)
Harley: (breaking the fourth wall) That's my family.
Beast: Donuts, woman! Where?
(The rest of the family question Harley.)
Harley: Calm down, people. Everyone's gonna get donuts... When we get to the park at 11.
Ethan: Not cool, Harley, not cool.
Daphne: You're lucky we're family or I'd hurt you.
Harley: Hurt me at the park.
Suzy: So park at 11? Let's see what the big board says. Cooking class - Beast and Lewie, Basketball - Georgie, Rachel - volunteer at the soup kitchen... Harley, honey, your magnet's not even on here.
Harley: It was there yesterday... (finds her magnet) Seriously? I was under the fridge and no-one even noticed.
Tom: Hate to say it but unless you find a dozen donuts, you're not gonna get a lot of sympathy from this crowd.
Suzy: I'm sorry sweetie but we just can't squeeze in the park today.
Harley: (breaking the fourth wall) This is what happens when there are seven kids and you're stuck in the middle. If my family was a week, I'd be Wednesday. Not the beginning of the week where everyone's full of energy and hope, that'd be Rachel, Ethan and Georgie.
Georgie: Yes, officer. She yelled, 'donuts,' but there are no donuts. Can you at least pretend to arrest her? Hello?
Harley: I'm not the end of the week where they're relieved and happy, that's Lewie, Beast and Daphne. I'm the day people meddle through as best they can. Hump day. I'm Hump Day Harley.
Tom: No name changes. I can barely remember the ones we gave you.
(glass breaks)
Lewie, Beast and Daphne: Wasn't me!
Harley: Welcome to the Diaz family. Hide your breakables. (glass breaks) Actually, just hide.
(Theme song) (Next scene, Harley looks at her magnet in sadness).
Suzy: Aw, Harls, I'm really sorry we can't make it to the park today.
Harley: It's hard to take you seriously when you're sucking on a thumb.
Suzy: Sorry... So what was going on? Was it important?
Harley: Well... (flashback) 'The Young Inventors Club is pleased to invite you to McKay park to award you first place in... *gasps* No way! No way! No way! No w-.No way!

Okay yeah, it's huge.

Suzy: Then we are gonna make this work. Sorry Lewie and Beast, no cooking class today.
Harley: What's the point? Yesterday I saw them steal pizza crust from a pigeon.
Suzy: Alright, we can make it. If we hit every green light, we can get from basketball to the soup kitchen to the park with 3 minutes to spare. Now comes the hard part.
Suzy and Harley: Getting 9 people out of the house.
Harley: I'll go round everybody up. Permission to knock some heads?
Suzy: Denied.
(Next scene)
Lewie: Wish I could find someone to do the ninja challenge. Sadly, you're not old enough.
Beast: Hello, we're twins.
Lewie: Hello, I was born 90 seconds before you, so you'll always be 90 seconds behind, which means you're not ready for the ninja challenge.
Beast: Ninja challenge! I'll kill it. I'll bite its head off, step on it AND eat it. I JUST ate it. What's the ninja challenge?
Lewie: You have to get around the whole day, without letting your feet touch the ground. It's impossible.
Beast: Says you. It’s on! Ninjaaaa
Lewie: Your foot is in a tub of margarine. Not a strong start, ninja.
Harley: Guys, wait until breakfast to put your feet in the food. Let's push the tables together so we can eat. CEREAL ASSEMBLY LINE. (breaking the fourth wall) This is how my family eats. Divide, conquer, pour. And this is where my family eats - a real table, a card table and something I'm pretty sure used to be a nightstand. Mom bought the real table when they had 2 kids, but then they had 5 more and no time for furniture shopping so, welcome to the bacon-free zone.
(Harley attempts to eat a little bacon).
Daphne: Beast put that up his nose.
Harley: Thanks for mentioning it after I had my teeth on it. Hey guys, gotta go.... Get up now and I'll do your chores for a week!
(Everyone gets up. Then, Harley bangs on the bathroom door waiting for Rachel.)
Harley: Rachel! 3 minute limit. You've been in there for 20. (breaking the fourth wall) In a big family, you need rules. We all get 3 minutes. You have to do Number 1 and Number 2 in less than three. That's bad math.
(Harley bangs on the bathroom door.)
Rachel: I'm literally the only one in this family who consistently looks hot, so maybe don't hassle the one who's bringing it on the regular.
Harley: You're going to feed the homeless. The only hot thing they want is lunch.
(Harley brings out a flip phone.)
Rachel: I'm not scared of you, or Dad's old flip phone that you blinged out. It doesn't even work.
Harley: The clock does, and so does the camera. Two seconds before I'm all up in there updating your profile photo.
Rachel: This is a violation. Kendall and Kylie would never do this to Kim.
Harley: Really? A list of what the Kardashians won't do is pretty short.

(breaking the fourth wall) I'm behind schedule! Gonna need an assist from by BFTF, 'Best Friend in the Family!' Which is even better than a BFF, because he's stuck with me no matter what, until the end of time. That came out evil but it's actually really cool.

Ethan! I need you to... What's with the walking lint ball?

Ethan: It's Jermaine. My friend's on vacation so I'm watching his hamster. I'm training Jermaine to be my wingman. Girls come for the pet, stay for the song.

"I need your love to keep me sane. Cruisin' the town, with my wingman Jermaine"

Harley: Yeah, no pet's making anyone stay for that song. And are you concerned your wingman just ate his own poop?
Ethan: It is a concern, yes.
Harley: I need you to help me get everyone out the door. Look. I get it, I'm the middle kid! I didn’t mind that I had to toilet train myself in a potted fern.
Ethan: The only watering that plant ever got.
Harley: But, I invented something really cool. Maybe the coolest thing I've ever done and I'm getting an award for it at the park at 11.
Ethan: Congrats sis, what is it?
Harley: Can't say. It's a surprise for the whole family, and I want everybody to see it together. Ethan, I've never asked before, and I know it will never happen again, but it's super important that today is the one day where the whole family shows up for me.
Ethan: Look, you know you're my BFTF, and I'd do anything for you, but this family in one place, on time? Oof.
(The flip phone starts beeping)
Harley: Two minute warning. It's about to go down. B-ball, soup kitchen, park by 11:00. Hold onto your furball, gonna be a people stampede. (To rest of family) Everybody ready to go?!
All: NO!!
Harley: DONUTS!
All: Yeah, right!
Ethan: If it makes you feel better, I think Jermaine bought it.
(Next scene)
Harley: Hey guys, got your shoes locked and loaded. We're gonna totally get to the park on time, yeah! (breaking the forth wall) Wow, that sounded way more confident than I feel.
(Georgie comes running down the stairs)
Harley: Good hustle, Georgie. We got one minute to be out the door to your game, so step in, let's go.
Georgie: Yeah, gonna win this thing today. Success isn't given, it's earned. (To herself) Earn it, Georgie, earn it.
Harley: Whoever you're talking to, we don't have time.
Georgie: Self-talk is a key strategy for enhanced physical performance. Say it with me, Harley. Self-talk is a key-
Harley: I am not-
Georgie: Say it!
Georgie and Harley: Self-talk is a key strategy-
Georgie: Like you mean it.
Georgie and Harley: For enhanced physical performance.
Harley: You know, Georgie, you do this before every game, and I'm not sure it's working.
(Scene cuts to flashbacks of Georgie missing the basket each time she throws the basketball, the last flashback showing a shoe making it in the basket, to which Georgie asks "Does that count?")
Harley: Your team never wins.
Georgie: Negativity is loser fuel, my friend. (Starts doing jumping-jacks) I need to sweat out the negativity you just brought into my zone. Jump with me, Harley.
Harley: I am not-
Georgie: Jump! (Harley starts doing jumping-jacks)
Harley: (Pushes Georgie towards the door) Alright, jump it on out to the car.
(Ethan, Beast, and Lewie walk by headed to the door. Ethan is carrying Beast on his back.)
Beast: Comin' through. Ninja!
(Rachel starts to come down the stairs, and she's wearing a short skirt.)
Suzy: No. The soup kitchen will not be serving butt cheek today.
Harley: (breaking the fourth wall) When you have a sister like Rachel, you can count on at least one outfit your parents will veto every time you try to leave the houses, which is why I came prepared. (Throws a pair of leggings at Rachel) Leggings!
Rachel: Ugh! I literally just glitter-lotioned my legs for my boo. Cuff loves sparkles.
Tom: Cuff's gonna be there? No, I don't trust that kid, and not just because he said "Trust me" and winked.
Harley: Sorry Dad, no time for the Papa Bear routine today, but I love that you think Cuff's the problem.
(Next scene) (All the Diaz's are in the car, there's lots of screaming, shouting, and fighting going on)
Harley: (Breaking the fourth wall) Middle kid means middle seat, which is awesome if you like to ride with fingers, elbows, and pets in your mouth.
Tom: What is the point of beeping inside the van if it's a safety warning for people outside? It doesn't make sense. Is it just me?
Suzy: (Gasps) Hang on, I just remembered. I'm supposed to bring the team snack.
Harley: (lifts up a bag full of snacks) I got it. I saw this coming, Mom, no offense.
Suzy: Please, I'm touched you know me so well. (turns and spots Bethany and Ellie Peters standing outside the Diaz car) Bethany. I didn't see you there.
Bethany: With all the ruckus, I thought your family was chasing away a pack of wild bears.
Ellie: I wish I had a big family. Or a brother. Or a sister. Or even a fish.
Bethany: You have fish every night for dinner. Broiled. (shows the Diaz's a tennis ball) Here, I found this in our yard. It's one of the few not already stuck in your rain gutter.
Tom: Been meaning to clean that out, five kids ago.
Bethany: I know you don’t have time to read parenting books, or parent, but, a recent study showed children raised in chaos end up in jail.
Tom: Not a problem. All our kids look great in orange.
Harley: Good chat! Hit the gas! If we leave now, we’ll still be at the park by 11, right after Georgie loses in a quick blowout.
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