(The episode opens with Harley in the kitchen using a device to track her mom, Suzy.)
Harley: Big day, mom!
Suzy: Harley! How'd you find me?
Harley: Mom tracker, same way I found you yesterday behind the dryer.
Suzy: Your inventions are killing me, kid. Oh, come on, who left the jelly open? It's in my hair.
Harley: (breaking the fourth wall) Yep, that's my mom. Squatting on a can of corn in the closet. When you have 7 kids and want some peace, this is what happens.
Suzy: I need 2 more minutes to slug down my coffee. Close the door before the other kids see and start bugging me.
Harley: Love it, respect it, can't do it. The whole family has to be at the park by 11 for something great. Where's your travel mug?
Suzy: Not sure, you got a mug tracker?
Harley: Better. (breaking the fourth wall) I'm the middle kid, so it's hand me down city. I've gotten good at working with what I've got. I'm not bragging- being creative isn't a choice. It's survival. (to Suzy) Enjoy your new, 'Travel Thumb!'
Suzy: Hazelnut and Dish Soap. Weirdly, it works.
Harley: Good, 'cause we gots to get this party started. DONUTS!
(The rest of the Diaz family hears Harley. Rachel, Ethan, Georgie, Lewie, Beast, Daphne, and even their dad Tom hear it.)
Tom: Donuts!
(They all walk downstairs. Harley feels shaking and rumbling.)
Harley: (breaking the fourth wall) That's either an earthquake or my family.
(The Diaz family walks up to Harley)
Harley: (breaking the fourth wall) That's my family.
Beast: Donuts, woman! Where?
(The rest of the family question Harley.)
Harley: Calm down, people. Everyone's gonna get donuts... When we get to the park at 11.
Ethan: Not cool, Harley, not cool.
Daphne: You're lucky we're family or I'd hurt you.
Harley: Hurt me at the park.
Suzy: So park at 11? Let's see what the big board says. Cooking class - Beast and Lewie, Basketball - Georgie, Rachel - volunteer at the soup kitchen... Harley, honey, your magnet's not even on here.
Harley: It was there yesterday... (finds her magnet) Seriously? I was under the fridge and no-one even noticed.
Tom: Hate to say it but unless you find a dozen donuts, you're not gonna get a lot of sympathy from this crowd.
Suzy: I'm sorry sweetie but we just can't fit in the park today.
Harley: (breaking the fourth wall) This is what happens when there are seven kids and you're stuck in the middle. If my family was a week, I'd be Wednesday. Not the beginning of the week where everyone's full of energy and hope, that'd be Rachel, Ethan and Georgie.
Georgie: Yes, officer. She yelled, 'donuts,' but there are no donuts. Can you at least pretend to arrest her? Hello?
Harley: I'm not the end of the week where they're relieved and happy, that's Lewie, Beast and Daphne. I'm the day people meddle through as best they can. Hump day. I'm Hump Day Harley.
Tom: No name changes. I can barely remember the ones we gave you.
(glass breaks)
Lewie, Beast and Daphne: Wasn't me!
Harley: Welcome to the Diaz family. Hide with your breakables. (glass breaks) Actually, just hide.
(Theme song) (Next scene, Harley looks at her magnet in sadness).
Suzy: Aw, Harls, I'm really sorry we can't make it to the park today.
Harley: It's hard to take you seriously when you're sucking on a thumb.
Suzy: Sorry... So what was going on? Was it important?
Harley: Well... (flashback) 'The Young Inventors Club is pleased to invite you to McKay park to award you first place in... *gasps* No way! No way! No way! No w-.No way!

Okay yeah, it's huge.

Suzy: Then we are gonna make this work. Sorry Lewie and Beast, no cooking class today.
Harley: What's the point? Yesterday I saw them steal pizza crust from a pigeon.
Suzy: Alright, we can make it. If we hit every green light, we can get from basketball to the soup kitchen to the park with 3 minutes to spare. Now comes the hard part.
Suzy and Harley: Getting 9 people out of the house.
Harley: I'll go round everybody up. Permission to knock some heads?
Suzy: Denied.
(Next scene)
Lewie: Wish I could find someone to do the ninja challenge. Sadly, you're not old enough.
Beast: Hello, we're twins.
Lewie: Hello, I was born 90 seconds before you, so you'll always be 90 seconds behind, which means you're not ready for the ninja challenge.
Beast: Ninja challenge! I'll kill it. I'll bite its head off, step on it AND eat it. I JUST ate it. What's the ninja challenge?
Lewie: You have to get around the whole day, without letting your feet touch the ground. It's impossible.
Beast: Says you. Ninjaaaa
Lewie: Your foot is in a tub of margarine. Not a strong start, ninja.
Harley: Guys, wait until breakfast to put your feet in the food. Let's push the tables together so we can eat. CEREAL ASSEMBLY LINE. (breaking the fourth wall) This is how my family eats. Divide, conquer, pour. And this is where my family eats - a real table, a card table and something I'm pretty sure used to be a nightstand. Mom bought the real table when they had 2 kids, but then they had 5 more and no time for furniture shopping so, welcome to the bacon-free zone.
(Harley attempts to eat a little bacon).
Daphne: Beast put that up his nose.
Harley: Thanks for mentioning it after I had my teeth on it. Hey guys, gotta go.... Get up now and I'll do your chores for a week!
(Everyone gets up. Then, Harley bangs on the bathroom door waiting for Rachel.)
Harley: Rachel! 3 minute limit. You've been in there for 20. (breaking the fourth wall) In a big family, you need rules. We all get 3 minutes. You have to do Number 1 and Number 2 in less than three. That's bad math.
(Harley bangs on the bathroom door.)
Rachel: I'm literally the only one in this family who looks consistently hot, so maybe don't hassle the one who's bringing it on the regular.
Harley: You're going to feed the homeless. The only hot thing they want is lunch.
(Harley brings out a flip phone.)
Rachel: I'm not scared of you, or Dad's old flip phone you blinged out. It doesn't even work.
Harley: The clock does, and so does the camera. Two seconds before I'm all up in there updating your profile photo.
Rachel: This is a violation. Kendall and Kylie would never do this to Kim.
Harley: Really? A list of what the Kardashians won't do is pretty short.

(breaking the fourth wall) I'm behind schedule! Gonna need an assist from by BFTF, 'Best Friend in the Family!' Which is even better than a BFF, because he's stuck with me no matter what, until the end of time. That came out evil but it's actually really cool.

Ethan! I need you to... What's with the walking lint ball?

Ethan: It's Jermaine. My friend's on vacation so I'm watching his hamster. I'm training Germain to be my wingman. Girls come for the pet, stay for the song.

"I need your love to keep me sane. Cruisin' the town, with my wingman Jermaine"

Harley: Yeah, no pet's making anyone stay for that song. And are you concerned your wingman just ate his own poop?
Ethan: It is a concern, yes.
Harley: I need you to help me get everyone out the door. I get it, I'm the middle kid! I don't mind that I had to potty train myself in a potted fern.
Ethan: That was the only watering that plant ever got.
Harley: But, I invented something really cool. Maybe the coolest thing I've ever done and I'm getting an award for it at the park at 11.
Ethan: Congrats sis, what is it? (7:45)
to be continued